It's 5:30 in the morning and I hear footsteps and the grinding of teeth. It is still dark and I am unable to see through the gloom that pervades our bedroom. I slowly roll over, doing my best not to make a noise and alert them to my presence. As I sit up, Cyndi wakes and says, "What's the matter?". Suddenly, all hell breaks loose and the screaming starts. The shuffling of feet and the chattering of teeth gets louder, strident cries of hunger fill the air of my home. My wife huddles in bed, terrified of what is to come, unable to move through her fear. I leap from the bed and head into the living room, hoping that they will focus their attention on me and give my wife time to escape. I make it to the kitchen and fumble through the drawer that contains the knives. In my sweaty palm, the 12 inch piece of steel is all that stands between me and the hungry horde. I rip open the refrigerator door and grab the severed head that has been resting in the crisper. Quickly chopping pieces off, I head back into the bedroom with my grisly trophies, praying that it is enough to assuage their unending hunger. My wife is screaming for me to hurry, panic rising in her voice. I go to the corner where the shrieking is loudest, and throw the leaves of lettuce into the guinea pig cage. They pounce upon the lettuce and tear it apart like rabid animals, but I know we are safe now. The hungry horde has been satisfied with my offering and a contented purr rumbles up from the cage. We are safe for another day.